11/15/2011
3:56 pm
After I saw the past year paper for HR2002 I got a bit nervous and decided to do a little preparation for it. haha
And since I'm so easily distracted, I shall blog about psychological topics to prepare for HR haha.
What were some of the biggest influences that shaped the way you are today?
This question made me think back to primary school. It was so long ago, and I couldn't quite remember anything that happened then anymore. But I think it was then where my personality was shaped and set in. Despite not remembering much, I do remember that I kept blaming my quiet personality due to my experience in primary school A LOT when I was in secondary school. But really I shouldn't use this as an excuse as I have the ability to change myself now. Everyone does, although it is not easy.
Anyway during those old days when we were still little kids, we were all quite immature and like to play pranks and tease others, although not really meaning it. However, I was an overly serious kid that could not take jokes and get angry at the slightest thing. Sometimes, I will blurt out something that shouldn't be said. Things like "you can't do this, it is wrong" or "This is mine, get your own" These things said were not wrong so as to say, but it deeply affected my relationship with most of my classmates. I had only one or two close friends in primary school, I was pretty wary of my other classmates as I was subjected to "bullying" by them if I did anything that it is not "cool". Well, at least at that time, in my perception, I get bullied a lot(through teasing and ostracism). There's this group of girls that always find the slightest reason to accuse me of something I did not do or had no intention of doing. I don't know whether it is intentional or not as all of us were still immature at that time. Maybe they did not mean it.
If you compare me in Kindergarten and in Pri 3/4, I think there is really is a noticeable change in my personality. I used to throw tantrums like nobody's business. And I believe(if my recollection is right), although not an extremely outgoing person as a child, I was reasonably friendly and talkative. By Pri 3/4, I sort of withdrawn myself. I wouldn't want to be seen as a teacher's pet and a attention grabber. Because that will invite unnecessary negative response from my peers. I do not talk as much as before. I think harder before saying the first thing on my mind, in case I say something wrong.
I became even more quiet in Pri 5 and 6. Well, I was stuck with mostly the same classmates that were "bullying" me at that time. But I think it is also because I was experiencing the same problem in my CCA as well.
Because of this experience, I graduated primary school as a very quiet and tolerant person. If you knew me when I was 5~ and see me now, you wouldn't believe how much of a person I've changed. okay, to be fair, this entire experience is written based on my memories when I was 10~. I have to admit it is very biased. I could be doing something bad that led to everyone "hating" me without knowing. Or maybe because I was young, I misread the actions of my classmates. It could be because I was overly serious, I took a joke in the wrong way and everything went downhill afterwards.
This got me thinking that I'm really very easily influenced and affected by other people. If I wasn't I wouldn't make such a big deal of classmates ostracising me and my personality would not have changed much, would it? Actually even now, I am still exhibiting some of these traits. I'm am really afraid to offend others or hurt others because I don't want to create conflict and make an enemy. But that fear is really counterproductive. I become so afraid that I don't talk at all. In times of awkward silence, I would mention little things like, "The weather is hot today, huh?" And the person would reply "ya". If I'm lucky, the other party would help me continue the conversation, but if not it would just end there. And usually I'm afraid to bring up personal stuff or topics that the other party might not like(even though I do not exactly know what they don't like to talk about) or topics that might lead them to view me poorly. As a result, common topics to talk about is greatly limited and conversations with most people end very quickly in awkward silence for me. There you have it, a person who wants friends but is too afraid to speak up.
Well, I opened up a little during JC as I had really nice classmates. And in university I have great friends. I would still be considered quiet but it is not as bad as the time when I was in primary school or secondary school I feel.
Okay, this is the first time I'm writing something so personal on my blog but it is a very long time ago, so it's all right. Everyone has probably forgotten about it. I would not have wrote this if I was still in secondary school or earlier.
I really really value all of the friendships that I have forged with over the years. And I hope that they will never die. Up until now, I had made a few mistakes that resulted me in distancing from a few good friends. It is really sad, and I regretted it. At least now I know that these friendships are not easy to come by and I should treasure every single one of them. :)
waiting by the river|`