1/05/2012
3:09 am
I think I'm finding myself reverting back to my more withdrawn self. Not that I was very outgoing or talkative before.. Actually, it's more like.. I stopped making the effort to take a step out of my comfort zone. This is happening even when I'm learning Japanese, something I'm "supposed" to love doing. =(
I realised this is happening the period after dance camp. o.O(though I don't see how dance camp can be the reason for this and I don't think it is) Somehow, I stop making Japanese journal entries. Partly because I'm lazy. Partly because I was overwhelmed by the numerous new grammar introduced at IKOMA. Partly because I was scared to write them.
Come to think of it, why was I scared? I was scared because I am afraid of making mistakes, (I think). I shouldn't be scared. Nothing bad will happen right? Sure, you might "reinforce" mistakes especially if no one corrects you. But not practicing will make your skills worse too. -.-" haiz, there's really nothing to lose actually. It's just a feeling that inhibits you
I read from mind your body that writing down your fears are a way of overcoming it. And after doing it(the above), I can verify that it works haha. I feel much much better now. =) Tomorrow is the Heartlands tour, I totally forgotten about it during the outing I had with clique 11 earlier this night until I reached home and checked my phone(it died when I was out)
I realised many of my friends already have dreams and are working towards it. Me? I don't really have one. But what I do believe is to enjoy your life. Happiness really differs for every single person. To some, happiness is attained by having great achievements, in academics, career, etc. To others, it could be finding the perfect partner(okay maybe not perfect, but your soulmate who is able to spend the rest of his/her life with you). For me, it's neither. I'm kinda an odd person, but well.. that's the person I am, I've come to accept that.
Great achievements are nice for me, but they aren't everything. I actually quite like doing well in things(like winning a competition, solving a problem no one else can solve, mastering some technique to perfection like dance, sudoku, singing etc.), but honestly, I don't have the sheer will to devote my entire self just to achieve this things. I might put in a few extra hours or a little more effort in hope of attaining a higher level of achievement in a particular area. But I'm not so extreme such that I'd become a super efficient person who makes use every bit of her time to achieve what I want, nor neglect friends or my health etc.
People often asked me about love, like what kind of guy I'm looking for, any crushes. . . But seriously, I haven't really given any thought on it. There's a few times when I thought, "oh.. he's not bad looking" or such, but that's that. nothing else. I don't really believe in love at first sight(I guess rarely anyone does), so I just brush off all "crushes" as just "crushes". Hm.. I guess you can say that my brain automatically censors this subject haha. I'm just not really looking into a relationship right now. I still want to have free time to hang out with friends and do my own stuff. And I don't want to be affected by relationship's thorns which I have seen sooo too often with other people. I guess maybe I'm afraid of the commitment.
Actually, at the rate of how I'm living my life now, I think I'll never get married. LoL. There was this saying that "Guys and Girls cannot be just friends" with some people agreeing and others disagreeing. I actually agree with this. I know many people would disagree with me but I think it is true to a very large extent for some people. Not that I have any grudge against guys or anything, but I find it very difficult to talk to them as their interest are way different from mine.(I already have trouble talking to certain people of the same gender with not so similar interests already. -.-" *not everyone can be my friend, I mean, I can't be comfortably myself around every single person) As a result, I'm someone who blends in and not striking or popular at all. I wouldn't want to stand out anyway, I don't like dealing with people I'm not comfortable with. So if a guy approach me(more than a few times for no really good reason), I get a little wary that what he is looking for is a little more than just friendship.
I know this wariness isn't good for me but I also don't want to be so naive.. and I'm not really mature enough to make such judgements. >.> o wells.. I'm fine even if I end up an lonely old lady haha. eh.. actually I'm not sure, things might change. I realised now what I seek most is friendship. I'd just enjoy life to the fullest. To me, Happiness is the things in your life that brings you joy right in the present moment and which continues instead of fading away. Happiness to me, is not a single event, which brings joy one moment but quickly fades off with time. My form of happiness must always be continuing, forever bringing a light fluffy feeling in you. =) All I need are friends, hobbies and little things that bring joy like sinful deserts and entertainment.
waiting by the river|`